HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
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Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *