Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
You Might Also Like
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up