Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
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Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
When you try jalapeños for the first time
Florida man
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE