Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
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Posting this on behalf of a friend
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
whatcha thinkin bout
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen