[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
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Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
my first day as a raccoon
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
become ungovernable
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you