Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
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“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear