I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
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[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila