Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
You Might Also Like
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
handsome & gretel
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
🙄😏😂🤣
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk