After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
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ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
me adding lol on a serious message
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it