One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
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Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
My patience has stretch marks.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
I only treason on days ending in y
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing