Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
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“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.