Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
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The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
You can’t rush stupid.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.