bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
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I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
I hope it’s French Onion!
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me