I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
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5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.