[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
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[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.