My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
You Might Also Like
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Put my back out twerking in the library again
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No