Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
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Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
ATMs should have breathalyzers
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋