It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
You Might Also Like
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
selfie game
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.