My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
You Might Also Like
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
mechanics be like
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes