My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
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Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
one last job
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason