I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
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ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore