Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
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cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Well, shit
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo