Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
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Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
I hate my earbuds.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this