Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
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Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.