*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
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As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.