what kind of cook setting is this??
You Might Also Like
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
next question.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.