Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
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Harsh but fair
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now