Did you file your cat correctly today?..๐๐๐๐
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Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
โRelax,โ Arthur thought to himself, โyouโre just being paranoid.โ
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. iโm so embarrassed. i canโt be seen getting into this car. iโm running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
โEvery girlโs crazy โbout a sharp-dressed manโ he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Interviewer: โHow are your multitasking skills?โ
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: โExcellent.โ
friend: Whatโs one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Iโm guessing that while more honest and accurate โDancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Starsโ just wasnโt as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, Iโm hurt.
Try Lavender.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Guy on airplane: Whatโs your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: Thatโs classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?