Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
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Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]