Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
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Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Have a lovely day 😊
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in