The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
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My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
Not even remotely sorry.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance