Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
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Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
kevin is now a local weatherman
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”