when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
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Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
rich people when they have to pay taxes
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—