Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
You Might Also Like
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.