There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
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*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
shit, they caught us—run!!!
this is how life feels
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back