Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
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“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
How do horror writers compete with current events?