Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
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[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
I am having an out of money experience.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.