*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
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I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
Wait a minute
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.