Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
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Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.