WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
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Netflix and scream at our children?!
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
oh good, now I can stop drinking
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread