The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
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Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.