me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
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Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
LOOOOOOL
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.