Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
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The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Cats are still liquid.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks