*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
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A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.