At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
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Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
kevin is now a local weatherman
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.