Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
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Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Jail
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here