Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
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When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Is fructose made with real fruct?
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
Velcrow
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess