GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
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tis the season
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
My circle of trust is a meatball
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”