“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
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I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens