I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
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listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.